This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
