I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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