I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
