Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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