Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Your cock deserves a montage
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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