get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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