I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
A bitchslap is in order.
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