3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
