On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
