i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
