I think my fart just growled at me.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
