I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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