Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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