saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
