The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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