I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
