he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
