dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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