she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
