you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You are the jesus of drinking
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
