OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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