don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
