dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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