wakey wakey hands off snakey
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
