I just saw a hot homeless man
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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