i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
