My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
