I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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