In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
