I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
