Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
