Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
