i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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