Grow some girl-balls and come out already
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
