About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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