one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
