I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
