I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
