I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
