I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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