Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
