you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
how does that bad decision feel?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
