Swine flu is the new snow day.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
