i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
