How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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