forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
