i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
