If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
