Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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