I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Actions speak louder than pants.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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