yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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