So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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